First thing's first, I'm an idealist.
I paint my nails in stardust and read my favorite books until their spines have ripped pages from each vertebrae; dress my walls with more promises than I've ever been taught to paint. I hold gulps of air in my cheeks for the sunrise. Chocolate cake, sunflowers...anything breathtaking. I like to be prepared.
I wore a purse on the first day of teaching. Filled it with too many expectations. It was too heavy for my commute: When I put it on the ground by my feet on the C train, I heard them whisper calm down to one another, not knowing what the words meant but hoping it would halt the bouncing.
I packed my bags to the brim but light enough to keep flitting from daydream to daydream. Threw my hands out windows on the Pacific Coast Highway just to know what it would feel like to fly. Played Never Have I Ever in an Irish hostel where every brick and bedframe was, too, once never. Etched reminders, like mantras, into outstretched arms hoping this pain would be the last--that each pain would be the last.
I wrote promises into a paper ring, in a field of trees whose leaves danced to the key of falling. The air smelled of impending rain but Mother Nature waited until we had said our vows; a courtesy not shared by all mothers. The disappointment these hands have held can be whittled down to nothing with a biting tongue and firm mallet but we are all still piecing together the parts of ourselves we are trying to protect; the rubble left after the hurricane.
I am the daughter of honeycombs and dragons. Everyday we decide who we will be and how we will get there. Everyday. We decide.
Inspired by a Thought Catalogue piece.
The truth is we outgrow those who don’t appreciate us. Those who are okay with our absence. Those who allow the distance between us and them to grow. We outgrow those who make us feel like we’re replaceable. Who make us question our worth.
The truth is we outgrow those who aren’t genuine with us. Those who say things they don’t mean. Those who speak of grandeur but whose actions fall flat . Those who only like a certain side of us but don’t want to accept our many facets. Those who don’t care about our wants and needs because they’re too busy focusing on their own.
We outgrow those who make us feel like an inconvenience. Those who are capable of giving so much more but choose to withhold with us. Those who put us last on their list of priorities. We outgrow those who are lazy with us. Who take us for granted. Who show us that they’re not invested. That they don’t want to try. We outgrow those who don’t value us the way we want to be valued.
The truth is we reach a point where we know who we are, what we want and what we deserve and we’re not willing to go back to selling ourselves short again. We’re not willing to repeat the same vicious cycle of handing out our hearts to those who don’t know how to catch them. We are capable of giving someone we love the world but all we need is the reassurance that they won’t abuse it, that our hearts are secure with them, that they won’t turn into another lie or another mistake.
The truth is we outgrow those who don’t know how to love us. We outgrow those who tell us everything we need to hear but show us nothing. We outgrow those who don’t love us because it took us years to learn how to love ourselves and we’re not ready to ruin that by being with people who make us question who we are or if we’re worthy of their love.
The truth is that all love, all relationships, take effort. Must be fertilized with basic human decency. Trimmed and watered. Require sunlight to grow.
This is Me:
My name's Melissa. I'm the girl with her hands in her journal. Married to my best friend and planning a lifetime of adventure!