Torschlusspanik

Definition: Anxiety or fear that one's life is just passing by.

Truth is, you don't have to be able to pronounce it, to wake up in a cold sweat. It doesn't take an exorbitant number of consonants to express the way the world sounds when a heartbeat chimes on the hour. Timelines are tricky; constantly revolving clockwise in an effort to make us dizzy-- or make us think we're familiar enough with the number-laden road that we're safe. I don't know about you but I've never quite felt safe. 

This year, the focus of one of my classes was 'mindfulness' or living in the moment. I've been trying to figure out why it's so hard to live where we are. For me and so many of the people I know, I think we're so concerned with tomorrow: With the promise of more and our grandiose thoughts. Through the sea of twenty-somethings, if thoughts could be captured and bottled, we would spell success with the letters in our own first names. But actions speak louder. And those who can't do- preach.

 Perhaps it's that fear that petrifies us. Constant reminders that we aren't baby boomers, rather, we may be known for our lack of success. Every generation, to this point has been more successful than the generation before it. My generation is the first of it's kind: We're graduating without jobs, living without insurance or assurance.  Nothing is sacred. It seems we've already invented the wheel and all the apps for it. What's left? 

When I decided to go to school for theatre, then become a playwriting major, and now have found a little nest in English (namely creative writing) my argument with all the mathematicians and scientists, and all of their parents, was that nothing is guaranteed. So we might as well do what we love. 

I can't decide if that's freeing or freaky. After generations of humans who are consistently improving, we blame the economy, our status, our parents, for all the reasons we are not more. There is so much more time spent on this blame game than on making improvements. We like what's easy. We've traded dial-up for wireless, letters for emails, dates for Skype sessions.  

It comes as no surprise that torschlusspanik, like schadenfreude, is a German word. The literal translation is "gate-closing panic" which is sometimes attributed to the "ticking clock:" An opportunity missed, that will forever be intangible. But I almost feel as though nothing is intangible. Perhaps that will be my downfall: They call me the cock-eyed-optimist.